22nd JULY 2010

Dear daddy,

I hate you!

I can say that to you because hate is not the opposite of love and therefore I am not jeopadising how I feel about you. It also doesnt change the fact you are gone though. You just went, didnt say bye and just went. Nothing is the same since you've been gone. What hurts the most is that hating you has taken away my entire capability to love unconditionally. I am pretty indifferent to anything or anyone. My temper is a microscopic thread of fine silk...snaps with little effort.i dont bother to be angry though. Whilst my appearance seems calm I curse in my head. That is not anger, I sincerely detest, well, most things to be honest.

I just feel very alone without you. Despite the 13 siblings you left me I feel like I am without family. No1 to turn to when I am in need but many that will criticise when I fall. Dozens to tell me exactly what I should be when they haven't got a clue about who I am. Am not quite sure I know myself but I do know that I knew I was your daughter when you were here...and now I am quite sure I am fatherless but to them, that means nothing. Neither does the fact that I think about myself into illness and end up crying endlessly any time I as much as here your name. Writing this alone has got me tearing up and to be honest I am trying hard to keep the tears back so they dont soak my keyboard. That is my daily procedure trying to find excuses not to cry, putting on a brae face when honestly I am a coward. not even able to talk about her feelings but mostly for not coming with you. For crossing the road quick enough, for being careful when I cross a bridge...i am a coward for not dropping a knife in between my ribs and be with you

but you would understand, coz you couldn't stand up to death when he was approaching you, couldnt tell him u had a daughter that needs you more than anything or anyone in this world. That wouldnt have traded you for any amount of money, that adored you in everything and that would very quickly loose the will to live if you were to leave. But then again thats not your fault, its mine! You didnt know I loved you, how would you. I didnt know either until you were gone. But then it was too late. It will always be too late.

Love,

sweetie x