1825 days

hi daddy
so i went about my day as usual, even watched a football match and then it hit me!
its been five whole years since you left
1825 days i've lived without you
262800 minutes have gone by even though i thought i couldn't live a single second more when i found out.
as i write this i'm tearing up because i didnt even get to say good bye but thats ok.
i think i'm starting to learn that if you loved me as much as i think you did then there is no way you would have died hating me for not being there. i will never completely forgive myself for not calling (or you for leaving me) but at least i know you didnt despise me...and i dont hate you daddy.
i dont care if you were never there or if you if told me off all the time i love you nontheless.
and i miss you.
i miss hugging you the most. didnt do it much but i miss the few times i did.
i miss the comfortable silence between us. not talking to you on a daily basis but knowing you are there.
i miss us...i miss being your daughter. i miss having a father. i miss talking about you in the present tense.
five years have come by and nothing is the way i thought it would be now.
i dont have a husband, i dont have a degree, i dont have a car but above all i regret not having a family and thats not exactly your fault but i just feel like i missed out on so much.
five whole years. i'm all grown now but numbers till confuse me, i'm still rubbish at maths daddy...completely hopeless.
i dont want to shed too many tears. not because i am not sad but because i know you wouldn't want me to.
because sorrow almost took over my life way too many times. because as much as i want to be with you i never ever want to lie in A&E waiting for you to get me again. i guess when its time i'll see you.
in all honesty i wish that time would be soon but i know that isnt God's plan and as much as i miss and love you i must obey him.
i just hope you're happy dad. i hope you're happy. that all the pain and the suffering is gone. i pray that you are in perfect peace and that you look upon me only to smile. i hope that you no longer have to think about your struggles, that it all melted away and that you're happy. that's all i want dad, that you're peacefull and happy.
everyday i'll remember you, i'll probably always miss you. i will always love. everytime i succeed you'll be the first person i think of dad. as much i know that your absense throughout my life has affected me negatively in some ways i would have you as my father each and every time if i had the choice. i wouldn't have traded you in for anything and i know you love me just as much, i'd give anything to hear you say it again but unfortunately i cant so i've got to make do with memories.
i am still learning to live without you and i know i will be ok eventually but know this i will NEVER ever, not in a milion years will i forget you. i may forget the dates, i may learn to be happy on my birthdays and i may even stop subconsciously comparing every man i date to you but never will i forget you because that is how much i love you. so much that when i have children i will tell them about you. i will make sure that they too learn to love you as much as i do even though they'll never get to meet you. i will still try to make you proud with every day i live simply because i love you that much ...and always will x

so am here missing you sadly, yearning for you badly and i cant take it...really.

honestly...i'd rather you had stayed, unlike the other half of me you would have kept your distance, not treat me like a child after leaving me to grow up on my own.

you werent perfect in any way...quite the opposite but i loved you.

i'd rather have gone with you, before i realised that i cant live with you

before i realised i cant mke you proud.

so now am thinking...what do i do? be me...let it be...just relax and not have a care? retract to when i was a child and was taken care of? i dont know what thats like. ive never been there...

i know it might sound senile but could you pick me...i'll meet you half way too.

i dont know, i guess i just want to be able to love you.

if im not being loved i should be allowed to love someone...and who is more worth it than you?

8th august 2010

hi daddy...i miss you...mainly beacause i know if you were here i wouldnt be this way. i wouldnt be going mad. i wouldnt be i'll. to be frank, i want you back.

maybe you could talk to god and tell him that you didnt know we would turn out like this, that we couldnt handle you going, maybe you could beg him to let you come back.

we really cant do this without you, maybe we just dont want to. i know i dont. just want this to be over ...

A RHYME FOR DADDY

I always knew you were sent from heaven

but why did you have to return

you've made me so lonely

as its for you that my heart yearns

though its broken

its memory is still intact

it remembers all the good things we shared

sometimes it makes me react

in strange ways

sometimes I cry

sometimes I die a little more inside

sometimes I get lost

in my strange thoughts

sometimes I wanna learn to fly

so I can find you where you hide

since you've refused to be found

refused to respond even when I call out loud

it hurts me so bad

coz the tears I cry are not from my eyes but my soul

which becomes weaker everyday

any day that I miss you

and EVERY day I miss you

22nd JULY 2010

Dear daddy,

I hate you!

I can say that to you because hate is not the opposite of love and therefore I am not jeopadising how I feel about you. It also doesnt change the fact you are gone though. You just went, didnt say bye and just went. Nothing is the same since you've been gone. What hurts the most is that hating you has taken away my entire capability to love unconditionally. I am pretty indifferent to anything or anyone. My temper is a microscopic thread of fine silk...snaps with little effort.i dont bother to be angry though. Whilst my appearance seems calm I curse in my head. That is not anger, I sincerely detest, well, most things to be honest.

I just feel very alone without you. Despite the 13 siblings you left me I feel like I am without family. No1 to turn to when I am in need but many that will criticise when I fall. Dozens to tell me exactly what I should be when they haven't got a clue about who I am. Am not quite sure I know myself but I do know that I knew I was your daughter when you were here...and now I am quite sure I am fatherless but to them, that means nothing. Neither does the fact that I think about myself into illness and end up crying endlessly any time I as much as here your name. Writing this alone has got me tearing up and to be honest I am trying hard to keep the tears back so they dont soak my keyboard. That is my daily procedure trying to find excuses not to cry, putting on a brae face when honestly I am a coward. not even able to talk about her feelings but mostly for not coming with you. For crossing the road quick enough, for being careful when I cross a bridge...i am a coward for not dropping a knife in between my ribs and be with you

but you would understand, coz you couldn't stand up to death when he was approaching you, couldnt tell him u had a daughter that needs you more than anything or anyone in this world. That wouldnt have traded you for any amount of money, that adored you in everything and that would very quickly loose the will to live if you were to leave. But then again thats not your fault, its mine! You didnt know I loved you, how would you. I didnt know either until you were gone. But then it was too late. It will always be too late.

Love,

sweetie x