1825 days

hi daddy
so i went about my day as usual, even watched a football match and then it hit me!
its been five whole years since you left
1825 days i've lived without you
262800 minutes have gone by even though i thought i couldn't live a single second more when i found out.
as i write this i'm tearing up because i didnt even get to say good bye but thats ok.
i think i'm starting to learn that if you loved me as much as i think you did then there is no way you would have died hating me for not being there. i will never completely forgive myself for not calling (or you for leaving me) but at least i know you didnt despise me...and i dont hate you daddy.
i dont care if you were never there or if you if told me off all the time i love you nontheless.
and i miss you.
i miss hugging you the most. didnt do it much but i miss the few times i did.
i miss the comfortable silence between us. not talking to you on a daily basis but knowing you are there.
i miss us...i miss being your daughter. i miss having a father. i miss talking about you in the present tense.
five years have come by and nothing is the way i thought it would be now.
i dont have a husband, i dont have a degree, i dont have a car but above all i regret not having a family and thats not exactly your fault but i just feel like i missed out on so much.
five whole years. i'm all grown now but numbers till confuse me, i'm still rubbish at maths daddy...completely hopeless.
i dont want to shed too many tears. not because i am not sad but because i know you wouldn't want me to.
because sorrow almost took over my life way too many times. because as much as i want to be with you i never ever want to lie in A&E waiting for you to get me again. i guess when its time i'll see you.
in all honesty i wish that time would be soon but i know that isnt God's plan and as much as i miss and love you i must obey him.
i just hope you're happy dad. i hope you're happy. that all the pain and the suffering is gone. i pray that you are in perfect peace and that you look upon me only to smile. i hope that you no longer have to think about your struggles, that it all melted away and that you're happy. that's all i want dad, that you're peacefull and happy.
everyday i'll remember you, i'll probably always miss you. i will always love. everytime i succeed you'll be the first person i think of dad. as much i know that your absense throughout my life has affected me negatively in some ways i would have you as my father each and every time if i had the choice. i wouldn't have traded you in for anything and i know you love me just as much, i'd give anything to hear you say it again but unfortunately i cant so i've got to make do with memories.
i am still learning to live without you and i know i will be ok eventually but know this i will NEVER ever, not in a milion years will i forget you. i may forget the dates, i may learn to be happy on my birthdays and i may even stop subconsciously comparing every man i date to you but never will i forget you because that is how much i love you. so much that when i have children i will tell them about you. i will make sure that they too learn to love you as much as i do even though they'll never get to meet you. i will still try to make you proud with every day i live simply because i love you that much ...and always will x